About Me

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Georgia, United States

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A HUGE day for me........

First off, I had my weekly session with Doc Martin. It was very productive, and I had quite a few things to talk about. More on that later............

Then, I drove to the Hall County courthouse, wich isn't far at all from doc's office. THE DIVORCE PAPERS ARE FINALLY FILED!! It's going to be until the end of March before our first (and hopefully, LAST) mediation is scheduled. There shouldn't be anything to fight over, so they should schedule a date for the final proceedings then. At least I am hopeful that's how it's going to work out.

I must admit, I cried a little as I handed the papers over to be notarized by the clerk. Not out of sadness. It was hope, mixed with a little frightened, for what's ahead of me. I know I'm on the right path. I'm just sure of how to get there. I know I'll figure it out, though.

Now, back to my session. I've done a lot of thinking lately about this blog. It started a few days ago, but then really set to roost yesterday. When I couldn't think of something to write. I wondered, why I would even bother if I had nothing to say. Like I felt I HAD to post something for whomever may be reading this. That's not how I should look at my blog. I talked about perceptions and my reason for this blog before. Perception is that I'm doing this all for attention.

Then, I had a talk with a friend last night about it. The question came up as to why I feel the need to have an audience. That if it were just about me, it would be a journal.........not a blog. Truthfully, I do have hope that someone else may get something out of this blog as I make the journey. That I may be of some help to someone other than myself. That way of thinking may be a little big flawed, though. Doc and I talked about it. He originally thought the blog was a good idea. For it to be a way to shoo away the ghosts of my past by bringing them to light.

SO.......I've decided that, for now at least, I'm going to stop this blog. I have to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons. I need to know that I'm doing it for what I NEED.........and not what I want. I think it may be better to really get in and do this in private......on my own. I don't want to feel like I'm some dancing internet monkey.

I may be back once I figure this all out. The blog may be back like it is, or it may come back in some other incarnation. I may choose to write about something I love and am passionate about. Only time will tell.

I think you all very much for the time you invested in the car crash that is my life. I hope to see you soon.

I leave you with one last Marc Broussard song.............

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sometimes it's difficult..........

This is the first day that I've struggled to find something to write about. Nothing special or insightful happened to me yesterday, or even yet this morning. So, it feels like a day of no progress.

There was also a couple of setbacks to deal with. My friend from high school who thought she may rent a room to me had to retract the idea. Her ex wasn't keen at all on the idea of anyone renting a room, and I get that. I guess he's being protective of his daughters. I can't blame him for that. I just hope he's not doing it to make things more difficult for her.

Then I find my other friend has already found a house to move into. BUT, the guy has another room he was thinking of renting. I asked my buddy to put in a word for me, so that may still be an option.

Trying to sell the house is absolutely the biggest source of anxiety for me. Bank of America doesn't want to come off with any of MY MONEY, the equity I've built up in this house, to try to fix it to sell? Then I'm just about ready to just say **** it and let it go to pot. Then they can have it and deal with it. I've had this banking account since 1986, before there was even such a thing as BOA. I've been in this house since 1996. No refi's, no 2nd mortgages. You'd think they'd be a little more willing to play ball with me. I can surely tell you that I'll be looking for a new bank once all of this shakes out and I've started over again. Any suggestions?

I watched a good documentary on John Lennon this morning, and the U.S. government attempts to deport him and hurt his career. He was VERY pro-peace and anti-war. He aligned himself with various activists and spoke out against Nixon. That made him a target. They spent almost 5 years and no telling how much money trying to get him out of the country, before they finally gave up.

All great peacemakers tend to get killed throughout history. MLK, Gandhi, Jesus, Lennon, Sadat, the Kennedy borthers.....the list goes on & on. It's a shame. So for the song of the day, I decided to post this simple little diddy. Love is...............

Monday, January 17, 2011

Doing pretty good............

Here I am, 17 days into the new year. I'm liking the direction things are headed for me. I certainly can't expect them to change overnight. If only it were that easy. But, things rarely are. I've not been on a scale to check if I've lost any weight or anything like that. I just know I feel better. I know the hat I'm wearing in that picture on my Facebook link fits better than it did when I bought it a couple of months ago.

I think the possibility of my head shrinking, be it literal or especially figurative, is a good thing. I could absolutely use a little more humility in my life. It's not that I need to believe in myself less, quite the contrary. I just think I could stand to think of others before myself again. I've developed very selfish habits over the last 20 years or so, particularly in the last 6 or 7.

I lived my life up into my early 20's for other people. Trying to make others happy, often at the expense of my own happiness. Then one day, I just decided to do what made ME happy, be who I am. If people didn't like me for it, so be it.......it was a THEM problem. It was actually very freeing and fun for a long time. But, then I got married and it really had no place for me to be so selfish anymore. I put it away, somewhat. I'm sure it was a big part, though, of what came to end our marriage.

I'm sure people wonder why I'm still married. I will explain it. We orignally seperated over 5 years ago. We didn't get a divorce at first because she's Catholic (and they frown upon that still) and maybe there was still some sort of hope we could figure things out. Then our son came along. We didn't divorce then for tax and insurance purposes. But, at that point came the understanding about when the day would come to make it official.

Maybe she had some alterior motive for asking to move back into my house with our son. She may still hold out some hope for us. I've asked her and she's always denied it, but sometimes actions speak so much louder. It's a tough spot to be in. Trying to do what's best for my kid, and also not wanting to be an ass to his mother. She's still my friend and will always be a part of my life.

To that point, the divorce papers have been finally drawn and will be filed this week. It still doesn't change the living situation, that's becoming a huge thing to deal with. But, it's another step down the road to getting where I want to be. I just wish it were easier. Maybe it will make me appreciate it more having to work so hard for it.

Now, for the song of the day. It's entitled "The Shape I'm In" by Arc Angels. This band was a coming together of members of Stevie Ray Vaughan's band Double Trouble, and members of The Fabulous Thunderbirds......of which his brother Jimmie was a member. It was, to this point, a one time deal. But, they made some good music. I'm a HUGE fan of the Texas blues sound. So, like the song says..........I'm doing pretty good, for the shape I'm in.

Time now for my walk, then off to work.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The rollercoaster ride that was my Saturday........

The day started off so well. I got up early, got in TWO walks, went to the grocery store and when I got back, season 1 of The Wire was in my mailbox! AND.....I got to laugh at myself for trying to use my CAR key fob to unlock the front door of my HOUSE. My hands were full of grocery bage and for some reason I was hitting the unlock button. I realized it and just stood there laughing.

I had work that night to look forward to, running the Hawks game, and also the Falcons were playing! Things were plugging along well.

Then the Falcons were NOT playing well, other than a Michael Turner run and a kickoff return for a touchdown by Eruc Weems. They were sloppy. When Green Bay returned an interception for a touchdown right before  halftime, I knew the game (and the season) was over. A sad end to a good season for the guys. It's been fun being in the locker room every week for media day. The good thing is, they have the base set for what should be a sustained run of making the playoffs.

And then I got a call. My son had fallen and hit his arm on the corner of the coffee table. He was freaking out, crying and screaming. And it was swelling up a bit. So, I had to leave work and meet them at the hospital.

Luckily, it just turned out to be a really good bruise. He hit it right along the edge, which is what led to the swelling. But it's all pretty purple today. Ice pack and acetaminophen have been properly used today and he seems to be handling his first decent boo-boo pretty well. He's tough......errrrrrr. I'll teach him all the faces and hand gestures that go along with the various emotions later. That's kind of an inside joke that if you ever get to meet me, I can explain. Or maybe I take some pictures to add here............once I figure out how!

Anyhoo.........I learned a few things on here last night after I got home. First, how to add a link to my Facebook profile. Second, how to allow anyone to post comments on here. It's now open for anyone who reads this to post them......even anonymously. So y'all have at it! I'm ready.........HA! Now, I just need to learn how to post my blog title song here. Or at least how to make a "video" for it on youtube that I can add to the blog.

Now on to today's music dose. I've become quite enamored with the voice of Adele. She's had a couple of hits with "Chasing Pavement" and "Rolling in the Deep". I wanted to add her cover of Bob Dylan's "To Make You Feel My Love", most famously recorded to this point by Garth Brooks for the Hope Floats soundtrack. The melody and lyrics of this song are so simple, yet so profound.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

2011 Facebook friend purge..........

The new year brought with it new priorities and new ideas. I've loved facebook from the moment I set foot in it. It's allowed me to reconnect with people I haven't heard from in 25-30 years!! I've also made a few new, great friends through it as well. When I learn how to post a link to my profile on here, I'll do that. Then those who are just getting to know me can find me there.

But I had gotten into playing Mafia Wars pretty early on. I made the decision to either finish Las Vegas or hit level 1000, then I was DONE.....whichever came first. Today that day came and I proceeded to clear out the "friends" who were solely MW players. 400 people gone in less than a half hour. I feel a little bit of a burden from my past lifted today.

No more time wasted playing that infernal game!! No more excuses to just sit mindlessly on my ever expanding backside trying to "accomplish" things. Thank GOD that I never got into some of the other games where you have animals, crops or people you have to feel responsible for!

I slept well last night and was up early. Had some more oatmeal, then took my dogs out for my first walk of the day. It's much warmer here today and the snow has at least melted from the streets. There are still places in the grassy areas that it's still VERY thick. It's also had this interesting sheen to it with the ice on top. It's actually quite beautiful to see, but I'm ready for it to go. We've had two winter precipitation bouts in the last month. That's unusual for Georgia.

I'm going to head out in a little bit and get in another walk. I really need the exercise. I normally get at least a LITTLE by playing softball once or twice a week, but we haven't played since May. I miss it. I LOVE the game and take it rather seriously. 7 would tell you I maybe took it TOO seriously........HA! So maybe all this work leads to me being in better shape come March when the new season starts. Soon, I will start adding actual workouts into my routine. I'd like to build my strength back up. I used to work jobs where I worked hard physically. I definitely don't do that anymore.

A week or so ago, I had mentioned these doors that were opening for me that had to do with the changes I wanted to make this year. Along those lines, I've had a couple of women "knocking on my door" the last couple of weeks. I've not dated since 7 and I split. She is never far from the front of my mind. I have been holding out hope for us. But, I wonder if this is the universe telling me I need to move on. I honestly don't know. I know I still love her dearly and care very much for her. But, the days get longer the further that we fly. And I'm feeling a tad bit lonely.

Now for your daily music dose. An artist I just recently stumbled upon on Pandora. Amos Lee. He was a member of Norah Jones band and has gone out on his own. If you're a country music fan, you may have seen him perform with the Zac Brown Band on CMT. They asked him to join in on "Colder Weather" on the CMT Artists of the Year show. He's very soulful and bluesy, which is a style I enjoy a great deal.

I hope you like it. Enjoy your day!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Breakfast time!

I'm one of those people that HAS to have breakfast to be able to start my day. To kickstart my energy for the day. The problem lies in that I tend to make it quick and easy. So, there have been MANY a day of sugary cereals, danish or other assorted carbfests. I've been trying to find some healthier options, I did a little research and tried my first one today.

Oatmeal with blueberries and sliced almonds. I grew up eating oatmeal almost every meal before school, so I thought this would be a good place to start. This particular site suggested a little cinnamon and a LITTLE honey. I've read about agave nectar as a good sugar alternative and bought some. I used it with the oatmeal, blueberries and almonds. It was actually quite tasty.

It's not been an easy transition to my diet. I'm on the run a lot, and I don't enjoy cooking like I used to. I eat out a lot. I like to eat what tastes good.......lol. So, I eat lots of fats and sugars. My biggest thing will be cutting down on sweet tea. I'm a good, old fashioned southern boy........sweet tea is a big issue. I've transferred over to Coke Zero already, so no biggie there. I know people who have lost a lot of weight just from that one switch. Still......I will actually MISS my tea!

I was looking into some natural or herbal remedies for my ADHD and came across Native Remedies. They have a couple that you work in conjunction with each other. Focus Formula and Bright Spark. I thought I remembered seeing the focus formula at 7's for her son. I sent her a message on facebook to ask if I remembered correctly, and if so, how did she feel it worked. Turns out I haven't lost ALL of my remembery skills. Also, she felt it worked pretty well for him..

It's not cheap, but it seems to be about half the cost of traditional ADHD meds. I'm going to take a shot and order a month's supply. We'll see how it works and decide if that's a better option for me. Wish me luck!

Now the ipod is turned on and queued up to my Butch Walker playlist. I'm ready for my walk. Then back to have some lunch. So here's your song for today. Butch covering a classic Beatles tune in his own way. It's something I firmly believe in........All you need is LOVE.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Thirsty Thursday.......

I woke up very early this morning with a dry mouth and a parched throat. So, I stumbled my way out to the kitchen.....stubbed my toe on the corner of the armoire that sits just inside the living room from the hall. Pitch dark and no contacts in. These things happen. I didn't want to turn on the lights, for fear of waking myself too much. My plan worked, other than the stubbage.

I layed back down in the bed and back to sleep I went. A few hours later, same feeling. I think maybe it's time to change the air filters. More water. No more sleep, though.

My sleep habits are changing. I've had many a day where I sleep til 10 or 11. I know...... jealous, right?
But, since I've been getting more exercise I find myself getting up earlier in the morning. I go to bed a LITTLE earlier than I used to, but it's no major change there.

I've been a HUGE fan of sleep for as long as I can remember. I have friends that have troubles sleeping, and I worry for them. I know how I would be, trying to function on the amount of sleep (or lack thereof) that they get. It just wears you out. Not just physically, but also emotionally. I would survive on 4 or 5 hours of sleep back when I was young and working hard (and also staying out to all hours with my girlfriend). There were quite a few mornings that I rolled into the Airport Marriott at 5:30 a.m. not even having gone to bed yet. I'm sure I smelled really good, too. But I was young.......and stupid.

Now, I gotta have my sleep. And I enjoy my naps on Sundays watching football. Chances are, those go away once I start the medication for my ADHD. But, I don't mind. There are times I feel lazy and useless. I can do without that.

So now, as I drink my 5th glass of water on the day, I think maybe I was getting dehydrated. I just hope this doesn't wake me up tonight having to run to the little boy's room. Far worse things to stub my toe on making THAT walk.

I hope this post finds you well.........

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A blast from the past........

First of all, I'm glad I was able to make it out today. All that hard work I put in yesterday digging my car out wasn't for nothing. Most of the roads weren't bad, but I'm kind of worried how they will be by the time I get out of work tonight. Quite a few of them had water on them from the snow melting. The waterwill probably turn to ice now that the sun has gone down.

So, I made it to therapy today. We talked about my possibility of being ADHD. Turns out, there are MANY indications that I am. I've had to bring home a kind of "test" to get a better idea. It just asks questions such as "Do you find it difficult to sit still for extended periods of time?" and similar things that I pretty much know going in that the answer is yes.

Now comes the blast from the past. He recommends Dexedrine to treat it. That was the very medicine I took as a pre-teen. It's a stimulant, based on amphetamine, that speeds my brain up to make me able to focus better. I know it seems like the wrong  idea, but ADHD brains function much better the faster they work.

It will also help to give me more energy to get through my day. I find that far too often I just lack the motivation or energy to do things. Even basic household tasks. Hopefully, this will help to alleviate that.

There's one thing I worry about, though. I may not be able to afford the medication AND the therapy. My insurance will help it somewhat, but it may not be enough. I've got to go ahead and put some thought into it in case the choice needs to be made. Here's the time that if you're ever going to make a comment on here, I'd most appreciate it. The choice will ultimately be mine, but I don't think hearing other opinions is a bad thing.

My back and shoulders are still very sore from the work yesterday. My son is still a little sick, but feeling better. But, I'm optimistic that I've made another correct step along this road. Only time will tell. I'm ready......

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Before I get into this, let me add something to my earlier post............in case you were wondering.

My kid didn't get to go out and enjoy the snow again today. He was still under the weather, so I thought it best to not chance him getting really sick. He hasn't been the healthiest kid in his life. He's had severe allergy issues that he continues to have to get shots for. And one of the hardest things for me to personally deal with when he moved back into my house........it was making him sick. I was SO happy to have him here, and yet my home wasn't healthy for him. I wound up having to get the duct work really cleaned out of dust, mold and whatnot. It was very painful so see him go through that because of me. I felt worthless.

Ok....now to the story at hand. I feel I need to make a few things clear. Or at least, as clear as I can make them.

I started this blog for ME. I see it as a way to keep myself on track, and also to see where I've been through this process. It's cathartic for me.....a way to cleanse or purge these feelings and emotions I'm going to be going through.

I don't do it as a "HEY! Look at me!" kind of thing. Not for a group of people, nor any one person. I certainly knew what the perceptions might be when I started this. I'm not a stupid person. But I can't worry over that. Therefore, I felt that I should put a squash on it as early as possible. I can also hope that other people get something out of it along the way, but not a concern.

I'm going through all of this for me and my kid........nobody else. If my relationships with other people get better because of it, all the better. In fact, I hope they do. But again, not my initial concern.

If it seems I talk about certain things a lot, it's because I think about those things (or people) a lot. I can't censor myself when I'm laying my thoughts out here. Whatever pops into my head as i type, that's what makes it to the page. What would I get out of it if I didn't do it that way?

I hope people take the ride with me. But, I can't and won't change what I say based on their perceptions. It's not for them. It's for me.

So, you may read some things here you don't like. You may see pictures or videos you don't like. You may even see one of the occasional "7 naughty words". If I get to be too "real" for you, you may leave at any time. I wish you as much safety on your journey as I hope to get on mine.

SNOW JAM 2011.............Day 2!

As I sit here typing today's entry out........I AM WORE SLAP OUT! I spent the better part of four straight hours digging my car out of the snow and making my driveway and my street safe enough to get out. My driveway is an incline. The street I live on is an incline. So, I had a LOT of digging, shoveling and breaking up of ice to do. Thw nice thing was the neighbors (some of us) coming together and making my street passable. A couple of them just used our hard work and went about their merry way. Stupid foreigners. (That one will make at least one person laugh if they read this)

So, no walks for me today. But I got WAY more of a workout today. My back is sore. My shoulders are sore. My legs are a little sore. I feel like I just started P90X. I see a hot bath and some sort of adult beverage in my immediate future.

I'm glad it looks like I'll be getting out and about tomorrow. The big therapy session happens! Is it weird that I'm excited by the prospect of this meeting? I've done more reading over the last several days about ADHD, and I truly feel that's what I've got........lol. Therefore, I'm hoping that there'll be some sort of medication(s) prescribed and I can settle my brain down some. I can start to focus better. I can start to deal with things better. I can start to come out from under (or fromunda) this cloud a little.

I think it may even help me sleep better. I have times where my mind just will not shut down when it's time to go to bed. And heaven forbid that I wake up to go to the little boy's room or something in the middle of the night. It's ridiculous trying to get back to sleep. I've tried valerian root, and it helps a little.

My main thing is, I want to feel whole. And, as someone once said to me, I want to feel permanent. I want to feel like I can wake up and the day is MINE. Most of all, I want to be happy with myself, to love myself....then I can start being what the people I love and care for the most need me to be.

It's been unbelievably hard to have to kind of put people on hold while I'm trying to deal with me. But, my feeling is that it's better to be able to give them me completely, than only give them half. Wilson Pickett once said.........99 1/2 just won't do. I'm getting there............

Monday, January 10, 2011

Snow day 1........2011

WOW..........we sure got hit! It finally hit my area about 10 p.m. last night and within 45 minutes, you couldn't see the ground anymore. It was falling hard and fast. We were said to have hit 6 inches before it changed over to ice and compacted it down quite a bit. It's very pretty outside. Once I get the pictures set up on a flickr account, I can copy and paste them to my blog.

Unfortunately, my kid has a bit of a cough and fever today, so no playing in the snow for him. He stands at the door looking out, which is very cute. The dogs want nothing to do with it.

I still managed to fit in TWO walks today. Close to four miles. I was layered three times over, so I worked up a good sweat both times. I am proud of myself that I still got out and did the work, even when I had easy excuses not to. The walks were good. Very quiet. Nothing to hear but the wind, a few dogs and kids off in the distance and my own thoughts.

I am still dismayed at the prospects for selling my house. I'm not far from just letting the bank have it and deal with the credit repercussions for the next how many ever years. That's how frustrated I'm getting. Plus, I just want to be free........no matter the cost.

I'm hopeful the snow doesn't keep me from work tomorrow, but I'm even worried for Wednesday. I am paid hourly, so I get nothing for staying home today. Thankfully, I got an extra 5 hours on Saturday that will make up for today. And then there's the issue of my therapy session on Wednesday. This is an important one for me, so I hope the streets are ok by then.

I finally have added some music to my phone, so I was able to listen to a few songs on the last walk. It's pretty much just Marc Broussard, Butch Walker, Prince and Collective Soul uploaded to it so far.

One of my favorite Marc songs came on that has an interesting story to it. It's called Gavin's Song. It's a song he wrote to his son. All the things he wants for him, yet sad that he can't be there as much because of his life on the road. I've always liked it. It came to mean more to me after the birth of my son. I wasn't able to see him all that often. I worked a tremendous amount of hours at THREE jobs trying to keep my mortgage, and other bills, paid for. Twice a week was about how often I saw him. Listen to the lyrics, you'll get it.

One night, I was listening to this song with a friend of mine. We have being fans of Marc's, among other things, in common. So while listening to this song, she starts to cry. Knowing some of her back story, it occurs to me why. She has a son of her own, and her husband died much too young from an artery blockage. This song to her is pretty much listening to her husband say these things to their son. And so I cried with her, It was one of the deepest moments I've ever shared with another human being in my life. I haven't been able to hear the song the same since. Once you hear it through someone else's ears.......wow........and it makes me tear up every time. That's the beauty of music, and art in general. It can mean different things to different people.

So here is the song. Enjoy it and have a great day.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

A lazy Sunday...........

Sorry for my tardiness with the blog entry for the day. It's been a pretty busy day so far.

Not really. I slept in today. I didn't get up til 10, ate a little breakfast then went out for my daily walk. After that, I braved a trip to the Kroger for some supplies. They're calling for more ice now than snow. That leads to falling trees and limbs......which leads to power outtages. I needed more food that didn't need electricity to cook. Therefore, I went and bought some wheat bread, some ham, turkey and swiss.

Then I settled in to watch some football. I'm trying to teach my son very early the basics of manhood. Sports. All of them. At least have some sort of appreciation for even the silliest of sports. They're all good for you somehow.......like green vegetables. I've had him hitting balls with a bat almost since he could sit up on his own. The early days were just him hitting a ball on the floor like a hockey puck. He's getting pretty good at hitting when I toss them to him.

He seems to enjoy football, though I'm sure he doesn't have much comprehension of it. There are grown people I know that don't understand all the rules, so how could I expect him to?

I'd really like to pass on my love and knowledge of baseball to him. I was passed that from my grandfather, who I'm named after. My father's father. I can remember many trips to Ernie Shore Field in Winston-Salem to watch the Red Sox single A team play. He taught me how to "score" a game and all the various little nuances that make baseball such a great game. It may move too slow for some people, but I like that it allows you to be able to hold a conversation with who you're there with and not miss anything.

He died when i was 10 from lung cancer. He smoked for many years. I remember once going to see him in the hospital and being amazed at how much he'd shriveled up. That was NOT the man that I knew. So baseball for me is a way to keep some small sort of contact with him. I miss you, pop.

So, Back to more football with me and the boy. Another slow day in terms of showing any sort of growth today. But, you still got a little insight into who I am.

I learned another little trick on here yesterday. How to embed videos into the blog. I talked about Butch Walker the other day and mentioned a couple of songs that meant a lot to me. One of them is this one.......Be Good Until Then. Really listen to the lyric. Basic things to remember in life. So simple, but says so much. THAT'S how I want to write.

I especially like this part.......

Always wash your hands when you wanna eat
Always keep 'em dirty enough to see where you came from.

I hope y'all like it.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Time to look into my brain for a bit........

I caught a progam on public broadcasting last night called "ADD and loving it". I was diagnosed as ADD back in the mid 70's, when they were just starting to figure it out a little. I went to therapy and took dexadrine. I was, supposedly, only a moderate case. Though, by modern definitions, I was what they NOW call ADHD. I was very hyperactive. I got in trouble a lot because I just couldn't sit still.

As I watched this program, I saw many things that still apply to me today. It got me wondering if it's possible I still suffer from ADHD. So, I've been doing some research after I got home from my walk.

By the way, it was rather windy outside during my walk, as this serious winter storm makes it's way into Georgia. We're supposed to get hit pretty good Sunday night into Monday morning. Well, pretty good for Georgia. Anywhere from 4 - 10 inches of snow topped with ice. And therein lies the issue. The ice. It will hover around freezing, a lot of time below, for the better part of the rest of the week. It's gonna be bad, I'm afraid.

And that right there is a prime example of how my mind tends to work. I start with something and then am easily distracted by something else. Tangents. They are a huge part of my life, and I'd be ok without them. The good thing is, when things are under fire, I am usually very calm and take care of things.

So during my research this morning, I came across this list of possible symptoms. Let me go over a few.

Chronic lateness and/or forgetfullness.   I'm almost never late. I tend to make a point to be punctual, even early most times. Forgetful? ABSOLUTELY! I tend to not always hear what someone is saying to me, especially if they're saying it to me as I'm involved in another task. So, I have ways of acting like I heard them. Then when the subject comes up again, I have no recollection of the conversation. This was something pointed out in the tv show. I KNOW I do this..........A LOT. Just ask any woman I've ever been involved with.

Anxiety.   Yep, I get it. A lot of it comes from not knowing what's going on in my head. The fact that I've tended to underachieve in my life. I should be miles ahead of where I am.

Low self-esteem.  I struggled with it for many years. I think I'm finally in a place where I'm ok with who I am. I at least have some understanding of WHO I am. But there are still times....re: the underachieving.

Employment problems.   BOY HOWDY, have I had issues with that over the years!

Impulsiveness.  CHECK! It can be fun, at times, for the people in my life. That I can be so spontaneous and fun in the moment. But, I can also see where it can be aggravating and costly. The things they put by the registers to sell was MADE for people like me.

Substance abuse or addiction.   This one has never really been me. I've certainly dabbled with a few substances in my life. I had a cigarette habit, though I quit 14 years ago. I could have been diagnosed with having a porn addiction as a teenager......lol. I guess I might have an issue with food, or at least not good for you food.

Poor organization skills.    DING DING!

Procrastination.    Another winner!

Low frustration tolerance.    I'm not sure. I can and do get frustrated, at times pretty easily. I just know it takes me a good bit to get MAD, though.

Chronic boredom.    Yep. I like to keep my brain stimulated. I'm not good at just sitting around and talking. My brain is always on.

Difficulty concentrating when reading.   Sure. If it's not something that interests me, I tend to just browse over it and try to catch some major points.

Mood swings.     Really.....who doesn't have those?

Depression.    I would say there have been a few times that I've been depressed, looking back. I'm in a depressed state right now. I'm making my way out of it, though. With therapy, and I've also been on St. John's wort for a few months now. I think the diet and exercise will also help with that.

Relationship problems.    Probably the one that hurts me the most. Almost every relationship I've had tended to last awhile, though all have ended. And usually because of something wrong done by ME. Like I mentioned in my first post back on New Year's, I have a tendency to self-destruct things that make me happy. I'm trying my best to figure out why. I've been let down by a lot of people in my life. Maybe that's my mind's way of protecting me from being hurt. Although, it always hurts when the relationship ends anyway. It takes a special person to be able to deal with some of the issues that ADHD brings into it.

So, Dr. Martin and I need to have a very serious discussion about trying to diagnose if I still have ADHD. It could quite possibly put an end to most of my problems. We had very briefly discussed it in our early meetings, but next time we'll really get into it.

Until tomorrow..................

Friday, January 7, 2011

Whew............what a day!

Sorry to be "late" with my entry for the day. I've had quite the full day. Early walk, time with my kid, lunch with a dear friend, a trip to the bank...........all of which leads me to posting about 10 minutes before I have to go to work.

It's been a pretty good week in all. I find myself getting up earlier in the morning than I used to. I feel like I have more energy. I definitely feel better about myself. Probably the endorphins.........

If you haven't noticed, the videos on by video wall have changed. This set is by a guy named Butch Walker. He's easily the most musically talented person I personally know. He used to be in a "hair band" back in the day called Southgang. Their lead singer, I knew from my college days. I spent one summer on their road crew travelling around the southeast opening smaller shows for bands like Tesla, Firehouse and the like. Their big hit was "Tainted Angel".

They dropped my friend and became a trio knows as Marvelous 3. They had a pretty big hit with "Freak of the Week". Butch took over the lead vocal duty in that incarnation. The man knows how to craft a good pop song. That band broke up over issues with their record label and he went solo. No big waves made as a solo artist, but an immense talent. ALWAYS great live shows.

He's since become an in-demand producer and songwriter, having worked with Fallout Boy, Avril Lavigne and most notably, Pink. You can hear her singing with him on "Hear Comes the Heartache" over there on the wall.

My favorite song of his is probably "Take Tomorrow". "Be Good Until Then" is another. Songs that really say something and mean a lot to me. The Marvelous 3 stuff is good ol' pop rock. Fun music.

Anyway, sorry there wasn't much in the way of substance in this entry. Maybe I can do another tonight after I get home from work. But, it's been a good day.......week. I"m hopeful it turns into a good year.

I had a friend once tell me.........the bottom is a good place to push off from..........or something like that. You get what it means. So push off!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

My first day at the gym..........

Yesterday, I started exercising in the gym at my office building. I put in an hour and walked 2.2 miles at a 10% incline on the treadmill. I burned 662 calories, according to the stats on said treadmill. I'M not sure how accurate it is, but I'm happy nonetheless. Today, I walked close to 2 miles on the roads here by my house. From my front door to the corner of Spout Springs Rd. is close to a mile and invilves quite an incline. Down, then up on the way out. The same in resverse on the way back. My calves were on fire. But it's ok. It'll all be worth it soon enough.

I enjoyed the morning here with my boy watching "Despicable Me". He was given a copy for Christmas. It's funny given the history I have with this movie. 7, her son and I went to the theater to see it in 3-D. I also bought him a copy for Christmas with the extra movies, that I believe were about the "minions",that came with it. It turns out he got 2 other copies of the same movie from family! So it all just kinda spins around on itself to make a funny little story..........at least to me. And if you've never seen the movie, it's very cute, kinda funny and very family friendly.

Speaking of my son.......I was asked recently why I don't speak about him more or have pictures of him on facebook and such. I have reasons that may or not make sense to everyone, but they make sense to me.

I am very happy to have him. He's the center of my universe. BUT, I am FIERCELY protective of him, which I hope is understandable, given my history. It's not my place to put him out there for the world to see on the internet. He's not even three yet, so he can't make the decision to allow me to do that. So I choose not to.

Maybe I go too far in my desire to protect him. And I know one day I will have to slack off. It won't be an easy thing for him to assimilate to the world around him if I don't let him have some freedom. But for now, this is how I choose to be with him. Maybe my ideas are wrong or crazy somehow. But I REFUSE to not protect him in the best way I know how.

I'm sure that it was seen as a boundary between 7 and I, about him. And for that, I am also very sorry. I didn't have much in terms of control over my ability to come and go with him in the early stages of our relationship. And when he was here, I was wrapped up in all the lies of them being back in my house. So there's more of wrong-doing on my part with 7.

That ends my bit of exposing my shame for today. I've got to jump in the shower and head off to the bank before work. I'll do what I can to make it a good day.............

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I am NOT a multi-millionaire........

I wake up to find out this morning that I didn't win the Mega Millions jackpot of 355 million dollars. I was among the many to throw in a few bucks for a shot at that huge amount of money. It turns out that 2 people won it. Good for them. I hope they do some good with it.

Had I been a nerd and played the numbers that Hugo Reyes, aka Hurley, the character on "Lost" played to win his lottery on the show......I would have won $150. Turns out almost 26, 000 did just that. I liked that show, but seriously? I just always let the computer pick my numbers. The chances are better that way. They're still astronomical, but statistically better.

Alright.......back to me for a bit.

It seems the universe is looking out for me a little, pushing me maybe. All of these things I need to do, and doors start to open. It's like I put them to paper, or screen....whatever, so it's out there and things start to happen. I need to sell my house and move to start my life over, right? Along comes a very good friend I knew in high school and reconnected through facebook with an offer to rent an extra room in her house. She's recently divorced and now has the house on her own. The room also has it's own full bathroom and back entrance. It's really all I need. It adds another 10 miles each way to my commute. I figured it all out last night while talking to 7 on facebook. It'll cost me, at present gas prices, another $780 a year to move in there. So we'll see what the number is that she throws at me to rent the room.

I also have another friend from high school that I actually worked at Pizza Hut with a little while back that's going to need to find a place to live in February. We've talked about becoming roommates somewhere as well. That option would leave me closer to work. I just have to figure out the numbers.

Neither of those helps in any way in selling the house, but at least I have options.

Then there's also the taking better care of my body part. I've come to find out there's a gym in the building where I work that we can use for free. It's nothing major. A couple of treadmills, ellipticals, exercise bikes, stair climbers, ab dollys and an excercise ball. There's also one of those all in one weight contraptions. You can do bench presses, leg presses, pull downs, leg curls and such on it. They also have showers and such so you can clean up and go to work. I'm trying to talk a guy I work with into meeting me there to work out before the show everyday. We'll see, but at least I can go there everyday.

I find myself needing to be around people who care about me more often. I feel stressed out so bad every time I come home. It's GREAT to be around my kid more, and I always have my dogs. It's just the other b.s. I have to deal with that works on me. It was good to get out and have some dinner with someone last night, to talk and whatever. I need more of that.......lots more.

What can i say? I still miss 7. We talk a little here and there. It's been really rough for us both. It seems we're both healing and moving on. I still have thoughts of us trying to work on things after I'm done with all of this. And if it's meant to be, it'll come around again. She's an amazing person that I worry will have found someone else that makes her happy and treats her the way she deserves before I get the chance to show her I CAN be what she needs. But if she's happy, that's all I can really ask.

By the way, I got tickets to see Marc Broussard yesterday!! He'll be here March 12th. I haven't seen him in 4 or 5 years. It should be a great show. I also get to go to a meet & greet with the guy. I'm really looking forward to it.

Alright, time to get out of here and get some things done. I gotta pack up some clothes and stuff and head down to the gym in an hour or so. Y'all be good.........

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Youth minister part 2...........

I had thought I'd put it all behind me. For years, I never even thought about it. But the truth is, I just tucked it away into one of the dark recesses of my psyche.

It came back to light last year. A friend from the church I grew up in found me on Facebook and we became friends again. Then one day we were talking and the subject came up. And she mentioned watchdog.org and asked had I been to the site. I said no, and she mentioned he was on there. If you don't know what watcdog is, it's a website that lists all the registered sex offenders.

I just left it at that, but a week or so later my curiousity got the better of me. I went and looked him up. Turns out he lives closer to me than my parents do! After I moved out of the house, I've slowly moved my way farther north of Atlanta. I can now be in South Carolina in just under an hour.

But there he was, looking much the same as he did almost 30 years ago. His fiery red hair has turned grayish orange and he wears glasses now. But you can certainly tell it's him. It was weird to see his face. And also a tad upsetting that he didn't meet the end I wished for him in prison back then.

But it all came rushing back to me. I remember more than once lying in 7's bed crying and talking to her about it. I did a lot of crying in her bed......in her living room......in her car......in her kitchen. You see a pattern? Ha! Not that all the crying was sad in nature. Quite a bit of it involved tears of joy. I'm just an emotional, sensitive guy that's not afraid to wear my heart outside of my chest.

So the better part of my therapy has been dealing with this event, and all the issues it's caused over the years. And as I sit here writing this, getting ready to head to my usual Wednesday session on a Tuesday, I know it's getting better. I'm learning to put away the hate I feel, not just for him, but also the hate I felt towards myself and to those I felt didn't do their job of protecting me.

There's a LOT of work left to be done, so off I go with my lunchbox and hard hat...........

Monday, January 3, 2011

My first Monday of the new year..........

Sometimes it's hard to get going on Mondays. You can feel a bit slovenly after the weekend. But I'm looking forward to this week, and Monday starts it off!

I had a good day yesterday. I FINALLY got down to see my parents to do our Christmas. We didn't do it on Christmas, as they were down in Albany at my oldest step-brother's house. He was in the Army and finished out his career stationed at Fort Benning. I have another step-brother that's in the Air Force out in Texas. Anyhoo, I was supposed to go to my parents the day after, but that was the snow day. I'm sure most of the roads were fine, but I live in a bit of a valley. Big hills to go up (or down) no matter which way you go. And parts of them never see direct sunlight, so when it snows or ices up they're always treacherous. So, I felt it best to stay home last Sunday.

It was good to see them. I don't get down there much. They only live about an hour and 15 minutes away. I love my parents, of course. It's just that my mom is a super right-wing ultra-conservative Christian Republican. Kinda like Pat Robertson. I'm not that......I tend more towards the Libertarian point of view. She used to do work with Newt Gingrich when he was still on the local level. She can get preachy at times. And it seems that every time I'm down there, somehow the topic of "the gays" comes up and how they're an abomination. It happened again yesterday. My sister was over and we were talking about old teachers from North Clayton. She brought up Mr. Nutt and how he was obviously gay. Also how it was still kinda taboo to be open back then or whatever. My sister, who has had her share of rough times, is starting to become our mother. So, that set the thing going all over again. You would think my mother would be a little more understanding, as one of her brothers is a homosexual. But he's had some legal issues, as well as drug and alcohol problems, so that makes her case I guess.

My dad is cool. He can't hear from years of working the ramps at Delta. But I'd hang out with him any day. I remember one Christmas, I made them a cd of music. The opening track was "He Didn't Have To Be" by Brad Paisley. It's a song he wrote about his step-father. So we're listening to it and he's not hearing the lyrics so well. My mother says , rather loudly, "it's about his step-daddy". My dad asks......."who's a fat daddy?". And there ya go. Anyway, if you don't know the song....check it out.

They had gotten a new hdtv, blu-ray player and surround sound system for Christmas. Most of it was still packed up waiting for ME to come hook it up. It's fine. I know they're not the most technologically savvy people. And these are HUGE steps for my parents. They JUST got a satellite from one of my brothers last year. They've never even had cable in their house. We never had it growing up. My mom felt it was the devil's work, since they could cuss and show nudity and all.

So, I hooked it all up and we watched the Falcons game. I hated to tell them they need a new receiver to get the high-def signal. My sister had gotten them the Jim Carrey Grinch blu-ray. I put that in for them so that they could understand the quality difference. You'd have thought I just showed them what electricity was.

So, all in all, a good day! Time with family, good food, good weather, A FALCONS WIN and a great night of sleep. I'm off now to get a walk in before I go back to my regular schedule at work.

I work at a sports radio station here in Atlanta...........680 the Fan. I am an engineer/board op there. It's a job I've done for several stations over my career. You can listen to us on 680 AM or 93.7 FM if you're local, or at 680thefan.com if you're not. I work with some good people. There's been an adjustment period, since I just started with them in April., but things are much better. If you're a big UGA fan, I also get to work with THE Buck Belue.

Y'all have a great day and be safe.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Day 2......

I didn't really accomplish much yesterday. I started this blog, and I did 5 loads of laundry. I guess that kind of helps out with cleaning the house up.......less work for getting ready to sell it. I watched a good bit of football and I napped. I texted quite a bit as well. There ya have my day........

I had dinner plans, but they got cancelled. I reached out to the person I was texting to see if they wanted some company. That didn't work, either. So I layed around on my couch, played with the boy and my dogs. So, it wasn't a bad day by any means.

I guess I should explain the name of my blog. Closer to home, 6. Music is a big part of my life. I've loved it since I was very young. My mother had tons of Elvis records in the house. That's where I got the opening line to telling my story yesterday. I have fond memories of sitting at the table having breakfast before school with the radio on. Me with my oatmeal and raisins, my sister with her eggs. One song I can remember hearing quite a bit was "i can help", by Billy Swan. I didn't know that was who sang it til many years later, but I have it on my ipod to this day.

I've also been making music off and on since my early 20's. When my mother got remarried, they bought a little upright piano and I would sit down and play around on it. I would take songs I liked and try to figure out how to play them. And learn a few I did. Lots of Chicago, Journey, Air Supply, Van Halen and the like. Definitely early 80's stuff. I couldn't read music, but I could figure them out.

I got to know some guys back in the day who were serious musicians. I could sing, play piano a little and I learned to play the drums. Much like the piano, just through getting a set and figuring out how to play. So a few of these guys and I would sit and write. They could tell each other "it starts in e then transfers into whatever"....and they would just play a song they'd never heard before. That talent was beyond me. The best I could do was msay "maybe take that up or down a notch". ASnd I could write words all day long. That was something I could do since I was in junior high.

So maybe a dozen songs I've helped write and record over the years. There was a time I tried to do something with the songs, to make a career, but it never went anywhere. Not long after my seperation, i was able to find my old buddy and get back in with him playing again. Even some of the other guys from back in the day would come around. It was fun being creative again.

Well, there's one song we recorded very recently entitled "Closer To Home". Beautiful music from my friends, lyrics supplied by me. I wrote them for "7". When she first helped set me on my journey. If I can figure out how to attach it to my blog, I'll do so.

But it fit well as the title to the blog. This journey that I'm on is me trying to get home. Trying to find ME. What 6 means is up for interpretation. I know what it means to ME.

I'll talk about other music that I like in here as time goes on. But today I'll include Marc Broussard. If you look over to the right of this page, there's a video wall. It's a gadget you can attach to your blog here. I put in Marc Broussard and those are the four videos it attached. I had no control over that. But the one's it picked are rather interesting.

First uo is "Home". How cool is that? It's also the first song of his I heard. Just a great song and talent.

Second up is "More Than You'll Ever Know". It's a cover of a Donnie Hathaway song. I also happened to be at that recording. It was at Criminal Records in Little 5 Points in Atlanta.

Third in the chute is "Hard Knocks". I'm going to going through my share on my way "home". But I'm ready!

And lastly, "Love & Happiness". Another cover of a classic soul song. But isn't it what we're all after? Just to share love and be happy. Simple things that can be difficult to find sometimes.

So there ya have it...........later.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

So here we are.........

A brand new year! A chance to start things fresh. I, along with a lot of other people, have big plans for this year. Plans to make DRAMASTIC changes in my life. I made that word up last year. I liked it, so I'll be using it now and then. But with those plans for change, I decided to start a blog to document it. It's really just an electronic journal for ME, but if someone else gets something out of it......all the better.

So the big plans are:
1. Finally make the divorce final. It's been a LONG time coming. But I decided a month or so ago to save it for the new year, so as not to have to deal with the tax implications til 2012.
2. Sell my house. It's not been easy trying to deal with my bank to cash in some equity to fix it up a little. I may have to just go the short-sale route. Just get OUT of it and start fresh.
3. Take better care of my body. I've not been kind to it over the years, and I'm getting to the age where it's going to come back and bite me. There are a lot of people I'd like to stay around awhile and spend some time with, namely my kid.'

There are other smaller plans that are out there, but we can save those for later.

So you know where I plan to go. I'll figure out how to get there as I go along. But I guess I should tell you where I've been, so you know how I got to where I am.

On a cold and gray Chicago morn', a poor little baby child of muddled descent was born..........in Winston-Salem, NC. Born to Larry and Shirley, shortly after dawn on the shortest day of the year. My mother still hangs the stocking they brought me to her in from the fireplace every year. Her family was from a little town just north of the called King. Right across 52 from Tobaccoville. In the town of King, you only had to dial 3 numbers when we would visit when I was a kid. That tells you all you need to know about North Carolina.

We moved to Georgia when I was a baby. Clayton County was where we ended up. I never knew my father, as he left before I turned 2. Turns out, he had a habit of borrowing money from banks without asking nicely. So that left me, my mom and my sister to fend for ourselves. We were VERY poor. We were the family in church that people would take up collections and there would be a box on our porch Christmas morning with presents in it. I always wore hand-me-downs from the older kids. But it was a great neiborhood to be in as a kid. Lots of other kids around, and everything  we did was within a block or two of the house.

We were the type of family that if the doors to the church were open, we were in it. Everything we did, for the most part, involved our church. I was a pretty happy kid. Playing baseball, riding my bike.....all that fun boy stuff.

We moved right before I turned 12, from Jonesboro to south Riverdale. So a new junior high, and new people to meet. Not as fun a neighborhood. Luckily, we were only there a year. My mother got remarried, and we moved to north Riverdale......closer to the airport. My dad worked for Delta, so it made sense to move up that way. Now you have to understand something. I will speak of my father and my dad. My father, who is responsible for me being here and my last name. That's all he ever gave me. I've spoken to him once in my life, for about an hour when I was 25. Then there's my dad. My step-dad actually, but he's earned the title of dad/ His name is Allen. A really good guy.

Now for the story of the biggest thing to affect my life. While we were living in south Riverdale, I was molested by my youth minister. It's hard to say I got off lucky, but in terms of the things that happened to the other kids involved.....I certainly did. I remember coming home from school in the spring after we moved to north Riverdale and my parents sitting me down and asking me if anything had happened. The story had already come out about another kid or two. I told them the truth and down to the police dept. we went to file a statement. I'm glad I never had to go to court for it, as one kid took all that upon himself. I never got the chance to thank him for that. So the youth minister went to prison. And I tried to move on with my life the best I could.

That, along with moving twice in a year, made my North Clayton days pretty miserable. I just didn't have the ability to let people get close to me. I knew lots of people in school,  but had only a small circle of true friends. And most of them were girls......lol. Rhonda, LeeAnn, Julie, Donna, Samantha, Robbie, Larry and others I'm sure I'm forgetting. In crowds, I was ok and could fake it. I also started developing my sense of humor about this time. It helps to block out the pain if you can be funny. It's also a good defensive option.

But that happening to me made me question EVERYTHING. That God would let something like that....INTO HIS HOUSE.....I just didn't get it. Also as I'm almost 13, that's a time when I'm starting to figure out who I am. So I also questioned my "sexuality". I mean, I KNEW I liked girls....I just wondered if it was some vibe or whatever I was putting off. Like I said......a rough time.

I went off to college at the tender age of 17, after taing a year off. West Georgia was an eye opener for me. No parents to make me go to class. Parties and girls everywhere. I almost flunked out my first semester. But I pulled it together and survived the two years I got on a grant. There, I met my first serious girlfriend Tamara. We dated those two years, but eventually drifted apart. I got a wedding invitation about 5 years later at my parent's house. I was amazed she still thought of me. But I went, thinking it was the last time I'd ever see her. And it was. But the hour and a half drive in my beat up Nova was worth it.

I bounced around the next few years working here & there, dating various women (including a "dancer" at the Goldrush). In my early 20's I decided to just start living my life for me. To stop trying to make other people happy. I stopped going to church. I still had my faith, just not in the church. God and I had a nice little talk and came to an understanding. I did some very unsafe things in those days. Nothing really I regret though, as it's part of what made me ME.

Then in 1994, I met my wife to be. I was managing a pizza joint in Riverdale. The Korean family that owned it had another store in Norcross. They needed help one night with drivers at that store. They let me use their car and go up there. I delievered to her house. I kept her number off the slip and called her a few days later. And there it started. We talked for over a month before we went out the first time. Things moved pretty quickly. I moved in with her, and started managing the Norcross location. That was July. By September, we were engaged. We got married in December of 95. Nice wedding in a GORGEOUS church. One of those big Catholic behemoths. She got me going back to church again, but hers was one of those really cliquish "who's wearing and driving what" kinda churches. It turned me right back off and I was done with church again.

We wound up buying a house in Flowery Branch in 96, which I still own today. We tried to have kids, unsuccessfully, for awhile. We even went to fertility doctors at one point. The news was never good. So we finally gave up. It was ostly a good marriage, though. Around 9 years in or so, things really started to change. She stopped working as much, as she lost customers. She's a nail technician. The industry fluctuates, I get it. But it got to where she was home 4 or 5 days a week. Money started getting tighter, so I worked more. But then she started letting the house get dirty. Everything that kinda got worse and eventually we seperated. At first we didn't get divorced because of her being Catholic. They are not fans of divorce. But during the early time of our seperation, we "got together" out of need and familiarity. One of those times turned into our little son.

I still remained close with her family, even going to holiday get-togethers like we always did. Well, Christmas three years ago at her mother's, she dropped the bombshell that she was pregnant! I was SOOO not ready for that. The plan that year was to go to my parents alone, as I was dating a fantastic woman who lived right down the street from my parents. But that all changed with the news. I had to call "D" and explain to her that I wouldn't be coming by for Christmas now. We talked and she, understandably, decided that was a situation she couldn't handle. The good news is, we're still good friends today. There was a year after that that wasn't so good. But she called me on it and we're ok.

There were other women after that, to varying degrees of success. And then I met "7". She had been coming to my trivia gigs with some friends and somewhere out of just chatting one night on facebook, we hit it off. She came to my trivia show and hung out December 30, 2009. Something clicked there that night and we wound up making out in the rain after the show.

There's SO much more to talk about with her. But I need to cut to the chase. This girl was IT for me. My wife and I had always had the understanding that we'd stay "married" for tax and insurance purposes, with the knowledge that there would come a day we'd have to make it officially over. With 7, I knew that day was here. So we had the talks and things got moving.........somewhat.

My wife had been living with her mom and step-dad the entirety of our seperation. His father had died a few years ago. His mother was getting to where she couldn't live alone anym ore and would need to move in with them, which meant wife and kid would need to find a place to go. She approached me and asked if they found nowhere else, could they move back into the guest bedroom. I was taken aback and said I had to talk to 7 about it. And she was understandably not happy with the idea of wife moving back into the house. Well, late April came and she said she had nowhere to go. So I let them move into the guest bedroom. I was doing what I thought I needed to do to take care of my kid. Where I royally messed up was by not telling 7 I'd done it.

And she eventually found out in July. I had been trying to work things out in the interim. To find a place for me, or them, to go. I even had hopes that maybe 7 would ask me to move in and it would just take care of itself. Also back in March, I had lost my job at one radio station. It would be a month before I caught on where I work now, a sports radio station here in Atlanta. So money was very tight. I couldn't afford to just up and get another place. I was stuck.

And that was the beginning of the end of 7 and I. We went through periods of trying to make it work, one day at a time. But we were just going through a long goodbye. She is an AMAZING woman that I wish nothing but the best for. She was the one that made me realize all these changes needed to be made. Not for her, but for me and my kid...........and for any other woman that might come my way. I started going to therapy to figure out why I tend to self-destruct things that make me happy. Also to deal with past issues, like the youth minister. Things I'd carried for far too long.

We're working on being friends now, and that makes me happy. I just saw her last night and we had a good time with her pals. Unfortunately, I was far too tired and didn't see the new year come in.

But things are lining up for me. I have some truly fantastic people in my life. I'll talk much more about them as this moves along. I hope I wasn't too long winded today.

Happy New Year to everyone!